Jokes

From: Bulmaro Coutino 
To: Multiple recipients of list 
Subject: CyT: un poco de humor

..A graduate student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through
 a city park, by early morning, and they find an antique oil lamp. 
They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says,  "I usually only grant three wishes, so I"ll give each of
you just one".
"Me first! Me first!, says the grad student.
 "I want to be in Can Cun, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman."
Poff!  He's gone.
"Me next! Me next! says the post-doc. 
"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula
dancer on one side 
and a Mai Tai on the other".
Poof!  He's gone.
"Your next, "  the Genie says to the professor.
The professor says, " I want those guys back in the Lab after lunch!!!!! 


From: scalora@prc.utexas.edu (Jennifer Scalora)
Subject: Scientific humor--worth the read!!

      The story behind this... There's this nutball who digs things out of
his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian  Institute,
labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual
archeological finds. The really weird thing about these
letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare  time!

      Anyway... here's a letter from the Smithsonian Institute from when
he sent them a Barbie doll head.
   --------------

      Paleoanthropology Division
      Smithsonian Institute
      207 Pennsylvania Avenue
      Washington, DC 20078

      Dear Sir:

          Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
"211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull."  We have
given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform
you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof
of the presence of Early Man in Charleston
County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found
is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small
children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie".
     It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the
analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who
are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to
contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a
number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have
tipped you off to it's modern origin:

      1.. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are
      typically fossilized bone.

      2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
      centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest
      identified proto-hominids.

      3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent
      with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous
      man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands
      during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most
      intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this
      institution,  but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against
it. Without
      going into too much detail, let us say that:

      A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog
            has chewed on.

      B. Clams don't have teeth.

      It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
      request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due
      to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and
      partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of
recent
      geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls
      were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce
     wildly inaccurate results.

     Sadly, we must also deny your request that  we approach the National
Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning
your specimen the scientific name
     "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one,
      fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy,
      but  was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected
      was  hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

      However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this
      fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a
hominid fossil,  it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great
body of  work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know
      that  our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for
      the  display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the
      Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you
      will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in
      your  back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's
capital     that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are
pressing  the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in
      hearing   you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating
      fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the
     excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered
     take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman
     automotive crescent wrench.

      Yours in Science,
      Harvey Rowe
      Curator, Antiquities



From: Lhallidy@mail.utexas.edu (Linda Hallidy)
Subject: humor

Okay, get your calculators out...

After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches
a  new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and success.

Here it goes.

    Knowledge is Power
    Time is Money and as every engineer knows,
    Power is Work over Time.

So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of
wisdom,
we get:
    K = P    (1)
    T = M    (2)
    P = W/T  (3)

Now, do a few simple substitutions:

    Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:
    K = W/T  (4)

Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:

    K = W/M  (5).

Now we've got something.  Expanding back into English, we get:

   Knowledge equals Work over Money.

What this MEANS is that:

   1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
   2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.

Solving for Money, we get:

   M = W/K  (6)
   Money equals Work Over Knowledge.

>From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge
approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.

What THIS MEANS is:

   The More you Make, the Less you Know.

Solving for Work, we get

   W = M x K  (7)
   Work equals Money times Knowledge

   From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge
approaches 0.

What THIS MEANS is:

    The stupid rich do little or no work.

Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left
as an exercise for the reader.


From: Jean-Marc Vezien 
Subject: new element discovered !!

New Element Discovered at the University of Iowa!!

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
scientists at the University of Iowa. The element, tentatively named
Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number
of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 126 assistant neutrons, 75 vice
neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of
312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that
involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact.  According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium
caused one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would
normally occur in less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at
which time it does not actually decay, but instead, undergoes a
reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant
vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic
weight actually increases after such reorganization.

Research at other institutions suggests that Administratium occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points
such as government agencies, universities, and schools, and can actually
be found in their newest, best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level
of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it
is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how
Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but
results are not promising.


From: "Victor M. Martinez, Jr." 
Subject: Cool joke... :) 

Compliments of Systems Engineering....

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday, when an
electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic
navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze,
the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to
steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew towards it, circled the building,
drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window.  The
pilot's sign said, "WHERE AM I?"  in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a
large sign, and held it in a building window.  Their sign said "YOU
ARE IN A HELICOPTER!"

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to
steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked pilot how the
"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" signed helped to determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that it had to be the MICROSOFT building,
because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically
correct but completely useless answer."


From: Kishore Sarathy
Subject: Advisor's alert!

                  TRANSLATIONS FROM THE ADVISOR
 
How to interpret what your advisor says:
 
1) Advisor: Look on this as a learning experience.
 
   Translation: You're going to suffer.
 
2) A: Let me explain the format of the defense.
 
   T: Let me make you more nervous.
 
3) A: I'm here to lend you support.
 
   T: I'm here to make sure that you don't look smarter than me.
 
4) A: I found the overall concept interesting.
 
   T: This is my token compliment before I rip your ideas to shreds.
 
5) A: I would have liked more time to study this (your work).
 
   T: I didn't read it.
 
6) A: There are some aspects of the study I want to hear more about.
 
   T: I read it, but I just don't remember anything about it.
 
7) A: I have concerns about the theory on which you based your study.
 
   T: I hate the theory, but I can't insult the author so I'll insult
      your work instead.
 
8) A: Your hypotheses are not strongly enough linked to the existing
      literature.
 
   T: You came up with an innovative idea and I want to make sure you
      never do it again.

9) A: Your research is an interesting extension of my own work.
 
   T: Why didn't I think of this before you did?
 
10) A: You have failed to take into account some of the more relevant
       literature.
 
    T: You have failed to cite me.
 
11) A: I would like you to explain this in more detail.
 
    T: I don't know anything about this stuff, so you'll have to
       explain it to me.
 
12) A: Your statistical results don't seem to support your hypotheses.
 
    T: I don't understand statistics.
 
13) A: You selection of statistical tests is rather simplistic.
 
    T: I'm the only one here that understands statistics and I wanted
       to rub it in.
 
14) A: How did you ensure that you had drawn a random sample.
 
    T: I had to come up with at least one intelligent question and
       this one always works.
 
15) A: Could you step out of the room while the committee comes to
       a decision.
 
    T: We decided beforehand to give you your degree, but we still
       wanted to make you sweat.
 
16) A: You don't need to worry about your preliminary exam.
 
    T: With a 75% fail rate, the outcome is not hard to guess.
 
17) A: You need to include two other faculty members on your committee.
 
    T: Let my hatchet men in or else.
 
18) A: This looks like publishable work.
 
    T: Now I can get two more papers out in my own name.
 
19) A: I have a meeting in 10 minutes, so make it quick.
 
    T: I'm hungry and want to go to lunch.